ARIES – Self-absorbed, ego-driven, short attention span, no consideration for other people’s feelings. (Wait, other people exist?!) Please learn how to spell or think before you talk. You are famous for quickies and curved penises. Nuff said.
TAURUS – You are extremely tight with money, hopeless romantic couch potato, most likely self-sabotaging themselves and relationships, possibly have addiction problems. Also, by the time you finish a sentence I will…*yawns* …Zzzzzzzzzzzzz….Never mind.
GEMINI – Dude, you talk soooo much. Also, you are prone to self-destructive behavior when you are bored. You seem to have ADD, but you just bored a lot. Cheating and lying comes naturally in long-term relationships but you complain that you still sooooo bored.
CANCER – I will never be good enough for your Mom. Your mood swings are turn-offs and being clingy is just not cute. Flaky and emotionally manipulative are not nice characteristics to have. Did I mention I am not your Mom?
LEO – It’s just not good for a man to be sleeping/lounging whole day. You’re a sucker for compliments and praises but I’m not sure if I can keep up with massaging your ego whole day. Don’t worry though, there are women out there who will not mind being used and abused by you.
VIRGO – Love to micromanage people, and “fix” them but your life is chaos and drama. You are overly critical with people, anal retentive and keep low paying jobs. You love to complain, gossip and spread rumors. Although you think you have your ducks in a row, you are constantly punishing yourself, except when you are sleeping around with random people or stalking your exes.
LIBRA – You are flaky and superficial. Sure you are charming and sensitive but you are not famous for being loyal or reliable. You are addicted to your senses, so you are a sucker for beauty, smells and appearances. Possibly you think you’re the best thing a woman can have, but some of us have ambition in life.
SCORPIO – Pathological liar and secretive to the bone. They will never ever figure you out but once they do, they will be disappointed. You are possessive and always in your feelings. You are revengeful and love money a bit too much. You are a loner at heart with trust issues.
SAGITTARIUS – You are too busy camping, running, hiking or feeding sharks. When you are not on an adventure you are at the bar trying to figure out how many shots you can do before you pass out. You are famous for one-night stands because you are afraid of commitments. Also, you think you are very interesting and funny but people around you are busy trying to have an actual life.
CAPRICORN – You are a supernerd who take himself very seriously. You sweat a lot.
Your possibly the biggest pothead of the zodiac and it upsets you if others have a different opinion from yours. You marry for money and have questionable sexual desires. You will end up alone because you sabotage even the best relationships.
AQUARIOUS – It is impossible to keep in touch with you, as you change your circle of friends to suit your ever-changing agenda. You know nothing about loyalty. You are detached and secretly insecure.
You seem intelligent but you think you are better than other people. You feel better about yourself because you do charity but in reality you know little about helping others. You are prone to sexually transmitted diseases and you are not good at lying.
PISCES – You live in dream-land. The idea of good time to you is getting shit-faced. You live in your head and people think you are weird loner. You always have to be sooooo deep and always deserve so much better. You are guilty of ignoring phone calls and messages for days because you don’t know how to confront people and stand up for yourself.
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