This is for TMO, one of my dear readers. The Taurus ASC is a grounded person. Picture the peaceful farmer. Taurus loves the land. If the Taurus ASC is not a farmer, he will have the solid feel of the earth about him. He may have a large build like a football player. He may have wide shoulders. If not, he will feel like he does. I feel safe with earth men. They seem like they can slay the dragons of the earth and women like that feeling. The Taurus ASC will be a thoughtful sort. He will not jump into crazy things. He would not put a lampshade on his head and dance in the middle of the room. Leave that to a Saggi.

The DSC is Scorpio. Hence, the person will be attracted to Scorpio traits.  It is rare that a person is attracted to the sign on the DSC, itself. Yet, the person is very attracted to the traits. The DSc sign is what we are lacking. That is the major reason we are attracted to it’s traits. They are the holes within us.

If we have Pluto conjunct the ASC, we add another factor. What conjuncts the ASC, we look for in the partner. We, often, cast it off in ourselves. Hence, this native may look for a partner with a strong presence and a strong access to his own primal power.

I hope that helps, Tmo. Ask any questions that you have!

I seem mired in the flesh a bit. My last story wrote itself in one of the strangest and most wonderful experiences I have had. It took my mind and my hands and told me what it wanted me to say. I have never surfed, being afraid of dangerous sports. However, I bet that is how one feels when one rides a wave. Sometimes, when I play music with another person,  I ride the same kind of a wave.  One transcends one’s finite self, mind and body. I imagine that is what drugs feel like but I have not used them,. One of my favorite authors  is Carlos Castenada.  He takes you into a magical world in which reality shifts.

My article was about the  the longings of the flesh. The flesh can yearn like the wild cries of the wolves. The flesh is powerful. It’s desires are powerful. They can get you into a lot of trouble and they do. For the human, he is both flesh and spirit.The flesh is the body and the mind. This would include the personality, Anything we can access with our five senses is the flesh.

We cannot feel our own spirit. People use the words soul and spirit interchangeably but they are very, very different according to the Bible, worlds apart, actually. I will try to explain here. As long as one is on this earth, one will deal with the flesh. One will have needs  of the flesh like food and sleep. One will have desires of the flesh such as popularity, beauty and riches.

I will share one of my best OBE’s( out of body experiences). It was one in which I was very conscious of what I was doing. You are this way in all of them but this was my  the one I remember most. I was flying over a body of water. The people were Asian. They were in the water with surfboards and wind sails. It was a beautiful day. I was flying overhead. I kept repeating, “It doesn’t hurt anymore”. I felt total peace. I had never felt that. I know that Ii have woken up from OBEs  homesick. I don’t know what I was homesick for, exactly. I think it was for the loss of the ego.

I will be back

I love questions from my Forum members. It is my pleasure to try to answer. Here is one from Nany.  The picture is from the  inimitable  Biblea.

Ami,  I also wish to know about retrograde planets in a natal chart-are they stronger,weaker or behave differently like how would we interpret Mars Retrograde through different houses?

Retrograde planets have a very specific working. If one understands this, one can understand them. Retrograde planets recycle. In  simple terms, Retrograde planets could be said to obsess. However, it is not the kind of obsession  you have when you are crazy about a guy. It is more of an obsession when you are trying to figure out a puzzle. Think of working a Rubric cube. You have to mull all sides of it. You can’t let it go until you have the solution. That is how a Retrograde planet functions.

Let’s look at several to see  them in action. The hardest Retrograde planet is Venus. We will leave that for the end. The easiest Retrograde Planet to understand is Mercury. Mercury represents the mind. Hence, we have a mind that must recycle information. Think of a conch shell. It winds and winds and winds until it reaches the very  end.  If a Mercury Retro native were to study Biology or any subject, he would need to go to the core concepts and work his way up, step by step. However, the great gift in this is that he has super duper retention. Also, he can use the information more creatively than a Non Retro Mercury. This is my opinion

To sum it up,  a Mercury Retro native may have to study harder but it will go deeper. With this, he has a greater understanding and hence a greater capacity for creative genius. I can speak from the vantage point of Gemini Mercury Retrograde.  Once again, I need your help in describing your own Retrograde planets. However, the mechanism for all  Retrograde planets is  the same.

Lets look at Chiron Retrograde.  This person recycles pain. This does sound terrible. However, the Retrograde  planets have the gift of being able to work through what they recycle.  I see them as the opportunity  to go deeply into the planet’s domain. Let me give an example.  One person may have one dollar. Another may have a hundred dollars. The person with one dollar will have to be creative to make it go further. He may buy material to make his own clothes. He may cover old boxes to make them pretty. He may recycle old clothes to make them updated. He will have had to work very hard for what he has but he will have learned in the process. He will have developed gifts.  After all this, one will be a  profound teacher, as well.

Let’s look at Chiron Retrograde  in  some more detail. Chiron is the planet of pain. Some people buy shoes when they have pain. Some people eat when they have pain. Some people drink when they have pain. Some people look to relationships to alleviate pain. I think we all do this. However, the Chiron Retrograde person MUST go deeply into the nature of his pain. Chiron Retrograde demands it. Hence, this native can be a profound healer. He will not dismiss the pain of others with a wave of his hand. He will sit down, hold the hand of another, look deeply into his eyes and let him talk. That is the difference between a true counselor and a sham counselor. Chiron Retrograde is a gift. It is not without a great deal of personal struggle. However, this seems to be the case with profound gifts. They do not come easily.

Neptune Retrograde is another gift. In this case, the native must go deeply into the realm of God. Neptune Retrograde, also, is the planet of  creativity.  I see it as a gift for any of us who want to look at life through a creative lens. To talk about Neptune Retrograde more in depth, let’s look more at  what Neptune represents. Neptune is the next dimension. In the next dimension is God. In the next dimension is creativity. Most great writers will tell you that they channel their work. Stephen King talks about his characters coming to life and telling him what they should do. He is merely the craftsman, to put it in a word. King is talking about accessing the next dimension. I would bet he has Neptune Retrograde.

Some people must find God. It is an inexorable passion. I was that way. The ninth house can be a factor in this. I have a four planet 9th house stellium. However, I think Neptune Retrograde is, as well. The Retrograde planet forces the person to go deeply into the nature of the planet. The person can refuse, of course. There is, always, choice. However, the Retrograde planet will dog you with an unrest until you face it. Hence, the person with Neptune Retrograde would be propelled to find God. This is a blessing because many people fill the God hole with all sorts of things that are a temporary fix. In time, they realize it is such. However, it may be too late to truly find God.  That is a real tragedy, the worst tragedy one  can have on this earth.

Let’s look at Pluto Retrograde. Pluto is power. The native with Pluto retrograde will struggle to find his personal power. He will struggle to understand  the power dynamics of others. However, if he persists, he will understand better than someone who does not have this placement.

Nany asked me about Mars Retorgrade, so I want to address that. I have seen a  few of these natives, only. One went ballistic in a public setting over a small incident. She has smashed car windows and done all sorts of things when angered. Mars Retro does not seem to be a blessing but a curse. The native could overcome it with God’s help, of course.  If any readers have Mars Retrograde, please weigh in.

Let’s look at Venus Retrograde. I told you I thought this was the hardest one. I will explain why. Venus is love. It is the love inside us. It is what we love. Love is like food. One needs love or one dies, if not physically, then in the heart. One’s heart shrivels and one becomes hard and bitter.  Venus Retrograde is one of the worst afflictions when it comes to love. The spiral which defines the Retrograde planet works to one’s advantage in many of the other Retrogrades but not in Venus, in my opinion.

Venus Retrograde is simply hard. It is barren. It is lonely. It is like being in a desert and seeing a mirage. You want to taste the cool water. You want to rest your weary body. However, when you reach it, it disappears. The native with Venus Retrograde never seems to understand love.  In all instances, I have seen a great, great loneliness. That is why I call it the hardest Retrograde planet. If you have Venus Retro, please weigh in.

I will not address Retrograde planets in the Houses, other than to say that any planet in any house will work out it’s nature in that house. Study the nature of each house. Put the Retrograde planet in it and go from there. If you would like more help, write on my Comment Form. If I need to do another article, I will.

The charts show everything. This quality is a drawing of  someone close and then pushing them away, with cruelty. I think Jupiter must be part of it because Jupiter is conscience.

One person who did this had an exact Moon/Chiron opposition, an exact Mercury combust Sun in Aqua and an exact Jupiter opposition to Uranus.

I am putting this out there for all of you and appreciate your responses!

I forgot Saturn Retrograde in my last article. Saturn is a needed planet like a child needs to eat his vegetables. If he lives on sugar, he will have stunted growth and be an all around mess. The people who try to live without what Saturn offers live lives of profligates. One may think this would be a fabulous  life. However, it is a sad life.

Think of sipping a glass of wine. It is relaxing. You may be sitting on your porch or chatting with  dear friends at a cafe. However, think of drinking the whole bottle. You feel sick. You feel desperate. You feel like a loser. You know you are. Being spoiled seems like it would be the life of revelry. However, revelry must be it’s proper  place.  Hard work and discipline are the same.

There is nothing quite like reaching a goal through your own hard work.  That kind of warm, personal pride can’t be bought. It can’t be given to you by another. It is from the discipline of your inner man. That is what we mean when we talk about Saturn.

Hence, we can look at Saturn in a different light, perhaps. He gets a bad name as a meanie and a killjoy. However, without him, one is like the profligate, drinking all day and reveling all night. When morning comes, he is sick, dirty and repentant. He feels like the lowest of men and he is.

To sum it up, Saturn is hard work. Saturn is eating your vegetables before your pie. Saturn is getting up for work. Saturn is staying with the same women when you see a prettier pair of legs ^^.   Saturn is doing your schoolwork, so you can have a diploma. Saturn is all those things and more.

Saturn is the glue of relationships, as well. What keeps us with our children when we are tired and want to walk out the door? What keeps us at our job when we want to go home to bed? What keeps us at the side of a best friend when we want to run away from the pain? All these are Saturn and all these make us a person of character– or not.

Let’s deal with Saturn Retro. Any Retrograde planets produces a recycling mechanism. We talked about that in the other article. Recycling is like obsessing. One must ponder, mull  and consider. Saturn Retrograde  does not jump into the end of the pool. Saturn Retrograde  gets in very slowly, old lady style, at the shallow end. When he dunks,  he does it  in a wise and timely manner.  That is the manner of Retrogrades.

Saturn is already responsibility. The Retrograde would add several more layers of the same. Hence, this native grows up early. He may feel like an old man or women when he is young. He is not the carefree child running through the fields. He may be worried that his father is drinking or his mother stays out too late.

Saturn Retrograde points to a difficult childhood. This may be material or emotional. One would need to explore other parts of the chart to know such as the House and Sign of Saturn, as well as it’s aspects.

I hope I have given some insight into Saturn Retrograde and Saturn itself. Please, leave your Comments, as usual. I really love them!

I will be back

I have a love/hate relationship with Uranus. Uranus has been easy on me. I have Uranus conjunct Jupiter and that is my only aspect. Jupiter enlarges what it touches and that is, probably, why I am somewhat of a nut

Uranus rules electricity. We need  electricity but it is scary. There is little room for error or  misstep. If one does not respect it’s power, one will pay, perhaps to the point of death. Even the movement of electricity is erratic. It moves in fits and starts, not a steady stream.

Uranus is the planet of shock. It is the planet of rebellion. It is the planet of the iconoclast. Think of  Lenny Bruce. He told the truth. He told it in a vulgar and outspoken way. He eschewed social conventions and let the pure light of his genius  shine forth. This is a picture of Uranus. Currently, there are many Lenny Bruce wannabes but he was the first and the original, other Uranus traits.

Uranus scares me because it breaks bounds. A person with a strong Uranus cannot be counted on to follow social conventions. Social conventions make us feel like things are safe. That is why we like routine. Routine is another thing that Uranus hates. As such, Uranus i the original wild card. For that reason, he is exciting. He is as far from predictable as you can get. We love him for this, but we fear him, too. Uranus shows us who we are. He tears down the masks. Hence, we have a love/hate relationship with him, as I mentioned at the beginning.

This article is about Uranus Retro, so let me add that and continue. The mechanism of the Retrograde is an inner winding toward the end. The end is the understanding of the planet. A native with a Retrograde will have a deeper understanding of the planet. Hence, he will be able to use it more creatively. That is my personal opinion. Others may differ.

Back to Uranus. The Uranus Retrograde native will, probably, struggle with being his own person. He will, probably, struggle when he stands out. He will, probably, really want to conform, on the one hand. On the other, he, probably, CANNOT conform. The Retro will propel him to find his own uniqueness. It will not be an easy journey but if he sticks with it, he will have a unique voice, the voice of an individual, which is in short shrift in this society of cookie cutter pop outs.

Uranus Retrograde is a rare one. Hence, there are not many personal reports. I have to liken it to the Unaspected Uranus, as I know two. The Unaspected Uranus is very free. It expresses Uranus in a pure and unfettered way. It is my favorite Unaspected planet because I admire it so much. the Retrograde needs to come, through struggle, what the Unaspected Uranus comes to, more naturally—– being his own person and singing his own song.

** The lovely picture is courtesy of  our resident picture guru, Biblea

I will be back

I dealt with Chiron Retrograde in my first article  as one of several Retrograde planets. As I have moved through all of the Retrogrades, I come back to Chiron.

I have an easy chart. I have no oppositions and only 2 generational squares. I ask Master Astrologers why I am so acquainted with pain. No one gives me an answer. However, today when I was talking to my dear friend, Simon, I had some ideas hit me.

I don’t think I paid enough attention to the Retrograde planets. I don’t think I paid enough attention to Chiron Retrograde, in particular. I will explain.

I have Chiron Retrograde in the fourth House. House positions are very, very important with Chiron. Sign is much less important. Chiron’s House will be where your greatest pain resides. Back to Chrion Retrograde. I feel that pain is a very close friend. I suppose  we can’t call him a friend but I feel I know him very well. As a child, my home was filled with pain. Note that I have a fourth house Chiron and the fourth house is the early home. Check your charts for your Chiron placement by house. This one fact about your chart will reap tremendous rewards in terms of insight for your life.

No other areas of my life were really painful. I was not bullied. I had friends. I did well enough in school. I looked attractive enough. I had hobbies and interests. However, that one area of pain was a huge mound of sadness for me.

I got lost in explaining Chiron in the Houses but it was a worthwhile digression.  I think you will find a great deal of value from this one fact.

Ok, back to  Chiron Retrograde. We know that the Retrograde planets recycle. I don’t think there is a harder thing to recycle than pain. Think about it. Mercury Retrograde recycles ideas. Pluto Retrograde recycles power. Neptune Retrograde recycles spirituality and creativity. Uranus Retrograde recycles individuality. Saturn Retrograde recycles maturity.Venus Retrograde recycles love. Actually, I think that Venus Retrograde is harder than Chiron Retrograde.

To me,  I would rather have pain and love than no love and no pain. This is a simple way to put it. I am trying to make the point that Venus Retrograde is harder than Chiron Retrograde, in my personal opinion. I have an Unaspected Venus. The Unaspected Planet is very personal to it’s native. It is like a beloved child. I would rather have pain if I knew I could love and be loved. An Unaspected Venus is a life where the main lesson is to learn about love. Hence, I would not trade Chiron Retrograde for Venus Retrograde. I know I have digressed a lot but I hope you will find value for yourself in what I said

I really look forward to hearing about your Chiron’s House, as well as Retrograde Chiron.

Someone I know is very sick, maybe dying. When I saw that he had Chiron conjunct the Moon and he told me his story, I was haunted. I will tell you and then I am interested in hearing the stories of anyone who has it. If you have Chiron conjunct another angle, please weigh in, too.

He was a very likeable kid. He went to school in a tough neighborhood but made it through his sense of humor and friendliness. He was on the football team and was a normal kid, shall we say. His mother had medical issues and then lost her limbs. He had to take care of her. He really, really loved her but, of course, it was hard.

He gained a lot of weight. He may have weighed 400-500 pounds. His mother died but it seemed, to me, that he never forgave himself for his resentment of her. This is my take. He did not tell me this. My take was that he had a death wish due to self hate for resenting her.

As I said, I got this intuitive feeling about the situation. He did not tell me he had resentment. He is not afraid to die. He has had many near death experiences. He says that living is the hard part. He is a totally amazing person, yet I wonder how much of a factor Chiron conjunct the MC played in his obesity and his illnesses.

This is about living from your bellybutton. I tend to live from my head. I come by it naturally. I escaped into my head my whole life, so I go there, by default.

I will be back

I think Moon trine Moon is the ultimate soul mate asteroid. I don’t mean soul mate in terms of the one and only who was made just for you. I don’t believe in that concept. It is a New Age concept, not a Biblical one. However, I believe that Moon trine Moon is the closest two people can get. I think Moon conjunct Moon is second. They may be equal. I don’t know. However, when people touch Moons, they touch hearts and souls.

In my ever increasing quest to learn more about Astrology, I watch all my own relationships. I see how they feel. Then, I go back to the charts to try to figure out why. The charts will always give the answers. One’s chart is a personal map from the Almighty.God is that good to do that for us. The Bible is the map for mankind. The chart is the map of the individual person.

Back to the Child Asteroid. I have an enduring love for someone. It never seems to leave, although it should, by all natural means. I was  pondering why. My Child Asteroid is an exact conjunction to his Moon. It feels exactly as one might expect it to feel. I can shed the many layers of masks.We each build up masks to protect our vulnerable  inner child. That is the nature of growing up. Only three aspects seem to restore that childlike innocence between people. They are Moon trine Moon, Moon conjunct Moon and Child conjunct Moon.

I was talking to a friend of mine about how rare it is to touch the heart of another when one is an adult. My childhood best friends were magical. I think this is the case for most of us. I have not had this as an adult except for Moon trine Moon and Child conjunct Moon. Then, that person touched my soul to the degree that I could shed my many  layers of adulthood and truly play as a child.

It is not quite the eve of the new year but close. I am not going to quote the exact Scriptures. I am going to give a sense of what I see in the world scene and how it relates to Bible Prophecy. I have been studying Bible Prophecy for twenty years. I never thought I would actually see what I studied.

I know that is strange to say. I thought it would be off in the great distance. I wanted it to be off in the great distance or I wanted not to be here to see it. Alas, I am here and I see it. Bible Prophecy is screaming out from the newspaper  headlines. It is screaming for all to see but few will see it.

Where do I start?

All nations will turn against Israel. Israel is always God’s timepiece for Prophecy. Israel is God’s nation. The Jews are God’s people. Of course, the Gentiles are grafted into the Jewish root, but the root supports the branches.

God will never turn away from Israel and all individuals and countries who hurt her will pay. You can count on this. You can take this to the bank.  The verse I will quote refers to Israel and the Jewish people. God may be slow to act, in human time, but He will do everything He promises and this Old Testament promise will play out in the life of both individuals and countries.

 I will bless those that bless thee. I will curse those that curse thee.

At this present time in history, much of the world is turning against tiny Israel, a sliver of land amidst her enemies. These people are blinded. If they were not blinded, they would see. However, many people are blinded because they are too proud to submit to God.  Anyone who calls on God will find Him. That means anyone of any group of people or any persuasion at all. That means gay people. That means drug addicts. That means Muslims.That means anyone doing anything against God. That means all of us.

We all sin. Pride is sin. Jealousy is sin. The means may be different but sin is sin. No one can come to God covered with sin. That is the purpose for Jesus coming to the fallen earth. Hence, God is there for anyone at all. He will come to you if you call on Him. He will take the blinders off your eyes. We all have blinders of various sorts.

I really don’t want to talk about myself here but I feel I am supposed to. One of my closest friends was telling me about a pastor who died of a heroin overdose in a bar with nude dancers. My friend seemed to think how could this man do this? I can’t judge. I feel that my sins, if you want to say that, are as great as anyone’s. My 21 year old son committed suicide. People tell you it is not your fault but it is. Don’t bother telling me it is not. I don’t want to hear it, with all due respect.

I judge no one because I could not keep my son safe. I talk about Moon trine Moon. My son and I had this.  The closeness of people with Moon trine Moon is not experienced with any other aspect. You will know if you have had this.  I say this to help you understand my relationship with him.   I can never judge another person.

People may see my articles on gay marriage and think I am judging. I am not. I am saying what the Bible says. I will go to my death thinking that my sins are as bad as the worst person out there. I say this to someone who thinks that person is him.

I don’t really like to bring up my life because it hurts and I feel bare but I want you to know that you are not alone. You have a friend in me and a place on my website or my Forum. My life is sold out to God. I lost most everything when I lost my son.  I was changed forever. The purpose of my life is to make it mean something. My life means something if I can help someone find God.

I got far afield of my topic which is Bible Prophecy. I will continue. People thought Nazi Germany was the worst thing that could happen to the Jewish people. The Bible says otherwise. The Bible says that the WORST thing that will happen to the Jewish people is yet to come. What could it be, I wondered? It is Islam. It is the rise of Islam and all the people that will follow, tacitly or actively. It does not really matter.

Each person will make a choice.Will they follow Islam and the  demonic spirit behind it? Will they follow Israel and the true God who exists  behind it? This is the decision of the present times. Each man will have to make it. That is what the Bible says.

The New Age people seem to be the most deceived. Maybe, that is why God put me in their midst. One must remember that just a handful of people will find Jesus. The road to God is narrow. The road away from God is broad. Hence, most people won’t find Him. However, for those of us who strive to bring the truth of the true God to them, we get hatred, but nothing compared to what He suffered.

I can pick out Mars in Scorpio in a man. Mars in Scorpio vibes sex. It can be under a quiet Virgo Sun. In that case, it is like a woman with a hint of black lace slip. It can be under the warm Saggi Sun. In that case, it is under an outgoing, friendly exterior. At any rate, I can feel it in all it’s combinations and permutations. However, in one guy I could not feel it. He had a Scorpio Sun at 29 degrees and a Libra Venus. Libra Venus is ultra refinement. I do not like this Venus because they do get get a down an dirty sense of humor such as has a Gemini Venus.I can get only so close to a Libra Venus because of this. At any rate, this man had a Libra Venus and it masked the Mars in Scorpio, to me. He was one of those people who are gorgeous but not sexy.

My question is “Can the Venus mask the Mars?

Saturn in hard aspect to Pluto is supposed to show cruelty in the natal chart. Hard aspect would be the conjunction( in this case), the square and the opposition. As with all things in Astrology, degree matters. I wonder why this aspect denotes cruelty. I do know that Saturn makes obsessive what it touches. I have seen Saturn conjunct Eros  obsessed with sex. I have seen Saturn conjunct Echo  obsessed with finding one’s voice. In the same way, Saturn must make Pluto obsessed with expressing POWER. How best to express power than cruelty. I suppose cruelty is absolute power.  In any case, please share your experiences and we will discover more about this aspect, together.

When I write anything, you can know that I experienced it. I talk from my heart and my soul. Why else would I expect you to listen?  With that in mind, I have some new understanding of what it means to be a victim and what it means to overcome.

There seems no end to the people who want to pull your chain. I suppose this is the result of the fallen world. In Heaven, it will stop but not until. Hence, one needs to learn  ways to deal with it. These ways can take you from a victim to a victor.

I think the first thing is to learn to act, not react.  Many people have all sorts of agendas that have nothing to do with you. However, they would love to pull you into their whirlpool. You can decide into which whirlpools you will jump. This is a revelation and took me four years to discover.

I discovered it by repeatedly jumping into places I should not.  I learn by failing. I learn by touching the stove. I don’t know about you but I seem to need to experience failures in order to learn most things.Through a wise mentor, I came to realize that I had the power not to react.

Secondly, don’t let yourself be controlled by the agendas of others. Set the agenda. You cannot control others but you can control how you will react . If you feel you are being swept away by a situation, pull back and establish your grounding. The hardest thing for me to understand was the level of hidden agendas in human interaction. I knew this as a child but lost it as I grew up. One must feel out what is happening under the surface and factor that into one’s reaction. Know one thing. Your feelings are more reliable than someone’s words to you. This took me many years to re-learn, too. I knew it as a child, as well. Talk is cheap is what I am saying.

The biggest factor from going from a victim to a victor is realizing that you have value. One must feel this down deep. Again, intellectual knowledge won’t take you far. It may take you a bit of the way but a true value for yourself will help to put things in perspective  in a way that little else will.

How does one get this if one does not have it? God is the only way. When one realizes God’s love for oneself, one can start to feel it, too. However, it is a very slow process for those of us who were abused. I wish I could say that it happens fast. I wish it would but I have to be honest and say that changing one’s old ideas about oneself seems to take time. However, God is in the business of miracles, so why not become one?  <3

I had the experience of many people—–growing up with a Malignant Narcissist parent.. It is kind of a nightmare experience. Nothing is real. One lives in a world within a world. It is as if needs a translator. One has the strong feeling that one will be cast off from the family if one dares to question this superimposed reality.

One is living in a war zone. The war is being fought over one’s reality. One may grow up in material comfort, as I did, so that no one knows the battle one is fighting. This is, often, the case. One’s battle is secret.

When one loses one’s reality,  one is forever wandering.One will look far and wide  for help because there is a lost piece which makes life impossible to navigate. The missing piece is inside but that takes many trips to the outside to realize.

One’s key is one’s anger. How do I know that? I am experiencing it, of course, as I do everything I write about. I value my readers too much to talk about things from an empty, intellectual perspective, void of my own experience. I hate that, myself, and assume that you do, too.

One may never be able to show one’s anger to one’s actual parent. If the parent is like mine, the parent can punch you but cries foul when you punch back. If you are like I, you feel guilty and turn your anger inward. Guilt is anger turned inward. Guilt becomes depression. Many children of Malignant Narcissist parents are depressed. Many have addictions and other such issues. Addiction is a way to mute the pain. The pain is very great. Know that before you judge anyone else.

The people that judge have not been humbled by life. If they were, they would have the wisdom not to judge. If someone attacks you for your failings, it shows you that their failings are probably greater than theirs. Try to ignore. That is what I have learned to do, but not before jumping in a thousand times. I learn from touching the fire, in most things.

Back to the subject of anger. When one grows up with a Malignant Narcissist parent, one is not allowed to be angry. The parent has the monopoly on feelings. The parent can get angry. The parent can do all manner of things but the child knows it is not safe to express himself. The child lives trying to avoid abuse. In time, the child’s reality is skewed to the point that he thinks he deserves what is happening to him. At that point, he is lost to himself. At that point, he does not know how to get back to himself.

Many people are in that situation. That is why people look for healing in so many modalities like therapy. However, none seem to really work. They may be palliative for a brief time, but that is all. Many people are dying from broken hearts. That is really the issue.

How does one begin to heal the broken heart? You know I am going to say God.However, many of my readers do not believe in God the way I do. Everyone is welcome here. I have a practical answer that most people can use. It is to ACCESS one’s anger. If one is a sugary sweet person, one will likely be depressed. If one feels one has to please others as a kind of default state, one will be depressed. If one is depressed, one has, likely, stuffed one’s anger.

It is not easy to access your anger. One stuffed it for a reason. The reason was fear. As a child, you would have been cast off if you were angry. You knew this, so you stuffed it. Most people stuff it very,very deeply. Herein, lies the problem. How is one to get it out?

This is my opinion. People will come into your life who will treat you the same way as the abusive parent. Then, you will have a chance to replay the abuse. If you are like I, you don’t have to look for these people, they find you. Trust me on that. I am sure you know what I mean and they have found you, too.

When this happens, this is your opportunity, not your curse. It will feel like your curse. It, actually, is your curse, coming to life. However, you have the chance to face it.That is a blessing. Look at it this way and it will help.

I will say this with 10000000% certainty. It will be very scary to get angry. If you are like I am, you will feel it in your body. You will be trembling. Your stomach may hurt. You will want to run. Force yourself to use your anger. Tell that person off. Do what you should do when someone abuses you——-REACT.

One could not react as a child. There was actual danger. There is not actual danger, now. You are fighting with a ghost. Once you learn how to fight back, you can probably walk away. I am working on that now. Wish me Luck

There is a power in love. There is a power in anger. Both are tools. Some Christians feel they must be sicky sweet. This is not the love of Jesus. Jesus was strong. He was not an effete man, the way we see many effete men, today. Jesus would be more in line with a Martin Luther  King or a Oskar Schindler. There is a power with gentleness. It is more of a power than raw, screaming kind of anger. This is weak anger.

These all relate. You may think they are unrelated.  However, they are inextricably linked. The answers could save your life or your sanity or both. If one looks around, one sees the use of medical drugs for moods. One sees addictions, which are self prescribed drugs for moods. One sees a lot of pain.

The chart can show us where is the pain. This would be the house of Chiron, in part. Find Chiron’s House in your chart and you can go to the depth of your pain. This is an example of the chart being very powerful for insight. I can link some of my Chiron articles, so you can check out yours.

At any rate, once we find the House of our Chiron, we are left with the pain, still. People try to medicate pain for the simple reason that it hurts. One wants the pain to stop.What can we do?

I have tried most routes except the traditional medical. I knew this was not the path for me. None worked. I found God. Then, I had the Bible and the Holy Spirit to lead me. Things got better but I did not have the peace of mind I wanted. The old ideas I took on in the home of the Malignant Narcissist parent plagued me.  I did not know what to do to break free.

It seemed that the answer  was in my anger. The anger is not a cool, blue anger. It is a red hot anger that would burn like a fire. I pushed it down so much that all I had was depression and anxiety. I did not feel the anger any more. I covered this over with the shroud that I was “nice”.  If it could have stayed down like a well trained dog, all would have been well and good, I suppose.

However, it wanted out like a voracious lion spying meat on the other side. There is a principle in human nature that the body and the mind try to heal. They do this by pushing out the poisons. Hence, if one wants to push them back in, one is in an eternal struggle.

How did I come to see that my rage was one of the roots of my emotional problems? It just came to me. Alice Miller talks about this and I read it in her books. However, it recently hit my heart. Ideas are of no help when they are stuck in the realm of the intellect. They have to hit the heart and the gut. Then, they can begin to heal the afflicted person.

I suspect there is more than just anger in this healing process. The rest of the answer is to face the truth of human nature, my own first,then, that of others. I seem not to be able to face it. I think when one grows up with so much denial,  one is stuck in it such as a building stuck in a foundation for which it has existed for many years. I suspect that one cannot tear it down easily. It was erected to save the person’s life. That is the genesis of defense mechanisms.

Hence, I am at this  fork in the road. I have come a ways, but have a ways to go. Please comment on my Comment Form, if you can relate.

It was the last time  my legs hit the ground, walking down the stairs to John’s party. The stairs went  to his cellar.  I had on a  navy blue jump suit with a navy blue turtleneck under it. It zipped down the front. I had the figure of a girl going into adolescence but breasts too big, but that is not important, nor was what I was wearing.

I got to the bottom of the stairs. The room had the nervous tension that parties do, at the beginning.

It was a pivotal night because it marked the beginning and the end of something big. That is what this story is about.

People take things for granted.  I took for granted the simple experience of feeling. What do you mean, you say? I mean that that was the last night I could feel.

People pair off in parties. The boy I liked was not there, so I went with his friend. We went in the back room and kissed. His was tall and thin, dark hair. I never went too far. I didn’t want to go into the bad girl list. It meant something to me to have lists from which I could separate myself.  That was part of why this night stood out in bas relief like the boring art history  you had to  read about, where  the artwork was raised, so it had  it’s own name.

I came home from that party. My home  looked welcoming until you entered it. It was like one of those movie set homes that have warm  facades but are a thin painted surface when you look from the back. I went up to my room in the cold house but it was OK.  That is part of the story, how it was OK.

My room was blue . I had a  bed spread of blue flowers, raised with an embroidery that was fluffy, so the flowers looked like they bloomed. There was a navy blue  ceramic plate on the wall of a Dutch girl that my grandmother  brought back from Holland.  My grandmother brought me dolls back from all the places she visited. I had a collection in my room. When I got older, they got put in a box They looked cheap when  I came home from college to look for them. They were lying  all on top of each other like I may have been if I had gone on the bad list.

There were secrets in my attic along with  my mother’s wedding dress and old, old books. My mother had TB when she was in college. She told me TB stayed in books, so I was afraid to open them. The attic was hot and cloying like people that are too close to you but you don’t want them to move away either.

My mother was always afraid the TB would come back. When we got sick, she would dress in a cap and a gown and go from room to room  looking like an industrial  green  ghost. I knew there were many bad things associated with sickness that were scarier than the bad things I had buried deep in my subconscious.

I started having phobias. I thought I had to touch things three times to ward off things. I was still a happy child because I made a compartment and put all these things in it like Pandora’s Box. The phobias were like Pandora’s sins which came flying out if she didn’t lock it tightly enough. I locked it tightly. You can be sure of that.

That brings me to the party, I suppose. That was the last night I could feel. I felt the kiss of the boy’s lips on my mouth like melting sugar and butter on the best cinnamon roll. I felt my own body responding. I heard the people in the other room, but I knew I would be OK because I knew when to stop. You see, that was part of feeling, too. You know when to stop.

Several things happened after that. I was like a lighthouse when kids throw rocks at it for fun. It still stands but it  becomes shabby and an eye sore. Maybe, they tear it down and put up  a new industrial one, that won’t be subject to the elements.  Sooner or later, something made of natural material wears out.

It could be a slow erosion or one could topple over dead. For me, it was the former. Are you getting bored yet?  I did many things to try to make myself feel. I did many things to destroy the self who could not feel because I hated her. I guess I need to tell you about those.

I had no respect for her. She was the same as everyone. She wore a sweater set if everyone  wore one. She wore a buttoned down, navy blue blazer with small gold hoop earrings and Waspy flat shoes.She acted right, too. It was not as if she made a spectacle of herself, quite the contrary.

Long ago, I had given up on the foreign dolls ever  going back  to their exalted spot on the bookshelf. I knew that girls like me go into the bad girl  pile, sooner or later and I did.

One has to want to stay in the good pile or the bad pile will call them.  Slowly, I didn’t care if I had on the same clothes or the right shoes. Slowly, I didn’t care if my hair was unkempt.

I changed colleges. I wanted to leave an all girls school and go to a co-ed one.  I didn’t join a sorority because all they all looked the same like insects populating so fast that you marvel at the wonders of nature. I was not a sorority girl. I was an insect populating girl who was just fooling everyone.

So, you want to know how it happened that I went into the bad girl pile. I will tell you.

I will be back.

I share my experiences. Perhaps, I have no choice, Moon conjunct the MC, exact. Perhaps, I want to matter for something beyond myself. I. However, I think that one needs to matter. One needs to know that one has a place at the table of humanity and one does have some  power to influence and change. One is not just an impotent clump of cells, here to experience pleasure and then to go to some great  unknown  beyond.

I will be back